The Homosexual's Guide to Eating on the Playa - A Beginner's Guide
(If you want survival basics, read the Burning Man guide)
You’re a Proud, Fancy Faggot…Your costumes are organized in order of Slutiness. You have a portable sling, Truvada, five boxes of Magnums, a party-sized lube pump, glass dildoes and enough poppers to burn the Man down. Your solar-powered speaker system is ready to blast that damn Cardi song for when your sisters are wasted and you have enough decorations to make your tent into a brothel from Westworld. And for food…all you packed were bags of fucking Indian Food? Lady…Come on! Leave those to the drunk straight dudes with megaphones…
The Homosexual’s Guide to Eating on the Playa – A Beginner’s Guide
1. EAT
You see that girl? The one that’s glassy-eyed, dehydrated, crust around her mouth, telling you the same story ten times about go-go dancing at Pink Mammoth, not remembering you were with her ass the whole time? She hasn’t eaten in 48 hours.
May sound simple but…Remember to Feed Yourself.
Time on the Playa is similar to falling in love. Even sober, you’ll experience a major serotonin and dopamine release that will have you high as a kite and kill your appetite. You’ll be running around from one dance party to another, the extreme heat will make your stomach a little gnarly while your body burns through calories to cool down. And right before you pass out on that dick, you’ll realize all you’ve had to eat all day was some raver chick’s jelly beans.
If you can’t choke down a full meal, have snacks throughout the day, even if it’s a spoonful of peanut butter and handful of Triscuits. I know that soy sausage is moving like a tentacle because you’re tripping balls…Just hold on to it for dear life and take a bite once every 25 minutes until it’s half gone. Trust me, the You at 5am will thank you.
2. EAT LIKE A BOTTOM
As you make your food list, pretend you’re the party bottom at a Craigslist Fisting Orgy…Would you slam a Chef Boyardee, frozen burrito, Slim Jim and canned Chilli? No.
Same goes for when you’re out in the desert. You’re pushing your body just by sitting there. Why would you drop a brick of mechanically-separated, high fructose corn bullshit into your system to give it something else to worry about? It’s already dealing with enough just keeping your wasted ass from getting run over by a fucking art car.
Keep it light, healthy and avoid processed foods. Think what a rich hippie mom in Noe Valley/Brooklyn would feed her kids. Always carry snacks in your studded fanny pack. You’ll never know how long you’ll be away from camp.
3. EAT FRESH
You see that girl? The one that’s been eating only Chicken Tikka Masala from that damn bag all week? Oh that’s right. You don’t see her. Cuz she’s at the porta-potty. Again. Holding up the group as we’re all trying to get to the damn Burn.
The trick is to eat as much fresh food as possible up until the very end when you’ll have to depend on the pre-canned, food-in-a-bag shit. That broccoli you had your first two days will mean the difference between having the shits and not having the shits on day 5. Get that fiber in girl.
How can I keep food fresh if alls I got is a tent?
Great question! That alkaline dust that’s making that foreskin you’re chewing on all gritty? It also happens to be great for keeping fruits and veggies from going bad. Keep your produce in a tent, away from direct sun, keep it dry and out of plastic bags, buy semi ripe and unripe fruits and veggies and by the end of the week you’ll still have fresh vegetables for your Bloody Mary.
4. EAT TOGETHER
There will be many moments you’ll just grab that sandwich and bag of trail mix and run after that power top that’s on an art car shaped like a firefly, and by all means girl, GO. But later on that gorgeous young man will have the munchies from plowing you for four hours at Comfort & Joy. Invite him to your camp for a meal to keep his fine ass from disappearing back into the desert.
Plan on cooking one meal for others.
Yes, Burning Man is about radical self-reliance…But…
Sometimes you simply end up with amazing people from all over and it’s nice to sit down, kick your feet up, listen to music and break bread together. Host like only a good Faggot knows how! Take the time to savor a meal, let your body rest and share a nibble or two with your campmates. The party isn’t going anywhere. You don’t have to feed the damn village each time you make a sandwich, but when fixing yourself a nice meal, think to cook enough for others. There will come a point when you’re just too damn tired or fucked up and someone else will feed you. Feed the karma.
Grab a Buddy or Two for Grocery Shopping to prevent over-buying.
You’re not going to eat that entire jar of peanut butter by yourself. (Unless you haven’t read any of this, in which case you may just have to). And there’s no point in having 8 bottles of ketchup at your camp. Shop for food with other campmates so you have variety and prevent over-buying.
5. EAT (AND DRINK!) FANCY!
You know that expensive jam you see at Rainbow Grocery, hand-made by blind Italian grandmothers in Oakland? Now’s the time to pack some of that shit. And while you’re at it grab a couple of bottles of wine that AREN’T Two Buck Chuck.
During those hot afternoons when your campmates are hanging out under the shade structure telling dirty stories and misting each other’s taints, bust out some of those nice crackers, cured meats and fancy mustard, share with your girls and watch them do the same. This is especially true as the week winds down and we all end up with extra food. The most memorable meals will be when everyone contributes a little something from their stash and make a spread like only Fags know how. You know what’s great right about then? A nice $12 bottle of Pinot Grigio and an ice cold can of Lychees and pears from your cooler. You got yourself a sangria right there buddy. Speaking of Coolers…
*A FANCY FAG TIP FOR COOLERS:
You have a single cooler for all your beer, drinks and food? GIRL! Don’t just DUMP your bag of ice in there! You’ll end up with that stinky watery mess of dirt, salmonella and lube from everyone’s hands…Distribute your ice into big ziplock bags. It will keep longer and at the end of the night you’ll be able to open up a bag, have ice cold water and be the bitch that STILL has ice in her cocktail. Girl Boom.
*A NOT-SO-FANCY FAG TIP FOR PACKING FOOD:
ANY garbage you have will need to be taken with you. Remove ALL unecessary packaging (i.e. Cereal/Cracker Boxes). Store as much as you can in those Big-Ass ziplock bags. AND NO NO NO NO NO Tiny Water bottles. They’re useless and will make you look like a total virgin.
Ideas for A Typical Day:
Breakfast– A couple of hard boiled eggs and avocado. Bowl of granola with soymilk and bananas.
Lunch – A thick sandwich or soy burger with the fixins. Soy Hot dog with chopped onions and tomatoes. Salty chips and a nice cold beer. Tuna over a bed of Spinach. Hummus and Pita.
From Adan Aburto: “I like moshè greens, with pre-sliced almonds, avocado, red onions chopped small (place onions in a bowel of fresh lemon juice, salt and pepper for a quick pickling, the long they sit the better) then add olive oil”
Dinner – Pasta w Tomato Sauce. Soy Meat Tacos. Top Ramen with Cabbage.
From Adan Aburto: “Fry bacon, sautéed onions in bacon fat let caramelize, add organic canned black beans”
Late Night “Tripping Balls” Snack – Instant Miso soup with a few crowns of Broccoli or kale.
MY FANCY and FRUGAL SHOPPING LIST – (By no means a be-all list. This is just what I pack.)
KITCHEN ESSENTIALS:
(Pack Light so you don’t have a shit ton of pans to clean)
Camping Stove/Propane Grill.
Large Pot to boil Water for Pasta.
Smaller Pot for soups.
Cast Iron Skillet
Spatula
Tongs
Fruits & Veggies
Store your fruits and veggies in your PAPER grocery bags and take anything prepackaged out of plastic bags or the evaporation from the heat will cause them to spoil faster
Peaches/Nectarines – In season in SF & the most amazing thing you’ll eat tripping balls. Buy in varying degrees of hardness so they ripen during your stay.
Unripe/Semi ripe Bananas
Baby Watermelons – You don’t wanna have to drag a huge unopened huge watermelon carcass back in your cooler, get a few of the tiny versions.
Apples – Get some local ones from the farmer’s market. Way worth the trip and better than the waxy spongy shit you’ll get at the Walmart in Nevada.
Avocados – perfect snack. Buy unripe and semi-ripe
Kale, Broccoli & Cabbage– Will keep all week. Sauté em in with olive oil and garlic, or throw ‘em into instant miso soup. Your stomach will thank you.
Spinach, Arugula, Salad Mix – Sprinkle some olive oil and pre-grated Parmesan for a quick salad. If they come in a bag, open the bag up so they don’t spoil.
*Pre-grated Parmesan or Romano Cheese – drop that shit on some spinach with olive oil and you got yourself a salad.
*Sliced Almonds, Pine Nuts & Dried Berries- Great for salads
Ripe and unripe tomatoes
Iceberg Lettuce
Cucumbers
Canned Fruits (Peaches, Lychees, Pears), Throw em in the ice cooler for a snack…or pop that can open and throw some white wine for an instant Sangria.
Pickles! Get the good kind. Great source of electrolytes. And you can use the juice for pickle backs!
Lemons and Limes – Muddle 5 limes with a glass of water and a tablespoon of salt to replenish your electrolytes.
Juices and Supplements
Fruit Juices – Coconut, and anything that mixes with Vodka.
Individual Soy Milk boxes– Great to ration and as a quick protein fix when you’re not hungry
Low Sodium V8
Protein and Fiber Powder
Some Snacks & Essentials